These words just flow out of me for fear, doubt or shame. My thoughts race as I try to keep them clear but I can’t stop my mind from questioning and I can’t keep my heart from breaking. These are the thoughts that swirl in my head tonight.
I can’t form the words, through any vocal trying,
I reach out to a world behind the screen,
For they can’t see or judge me,
You are here beside me and if I fall down,
Will you pick me back up again?
Let me speak the words on repeat in my mind,
Get lost in the chaos of all I attempted to leave behind,
Yet failed to leave in a pile on the ground,
Above your final resting place,
Where the memories you created for us should stay.
Some days, words just seem to flow from you. This is one of those days. Memories that knock on doors, long left closed and locked tight, then suddenly you hear a knocking and can’t seem to ignore the thoughts any longer. Sometimes we push things away to keep from feeling or dealing, but eventually we have to find a way to make peace with it, one way or another….
Tightening in my chest, for the words I long to say,
Stifled like a cry in my throat, refusing to escape,
Why can’t I just release them, remove them from my head,
So finally, for this one moment in time, I will be free at last.
I have been listening to an amazing, out of this world band (Blue October) with moving and emotional lyrics. We all have things in our past that we attempt or want to forget or pretend never happened. That normally never works but we still attempt to ignore something and bury it thinking it won’t keep popping up time and again. Most people don’t understand that unless you honestly deal with something then it will never go away and some things are hard to just “deal” with, it takes months, years or a lifetime to work through something, especially if it was something you never asked for or expected to happen.
The world is filled with believers who fail to believe,
Forgetting to forgive those who have hurt them,
Getting lost in the doubts and fears,
Of all the things that they worry can never be.
Let me give you a simple anecdote,
That tells of a heart breaking,
Crashing like the waves on a shoreline,
With the sun setting the in background.
Let me make an attempt to understand the darkness,
The place where light cannot penetrate,
No matter how many fires and flashlights,
Pass into your ever reaching hand.
Let me get a tourniquet to stop the blood flow,
I’d let it slowly drain out but true suffering cuts you like knife,
It lets you bleed but suddenly runs dry,
And the world after is nothing like the before.
I know it’s not easy I wouldn’t want it to be,
Nothing in life that has meaning will ever come easily,
I’m willing to fight for the things that I want,
But don’t tell me I don’t want them bad enough.
No matter how much you love someone you can’t change them. I think being a woman it is a hard fact to realize and accept. We want so badly for the people that we love to be apart of our lives in the best way, even when they aren’t. Those of us that find ourselves in situations like this love the people who are stuck. We find that we might be moving forward but those around you either aren’t or can’t keep up.
Sometimes we find the most beautiful things when we step out of our comfort zone and take a different look at something we thought that we knew. There are a lot of the time that we don’t get the chance to see things from different angles or practically in life, it’s like we can approach a situation and see it from all sides. There are people that can do this and honestly I wish that I had this ability better than what I do, but just like anything else it just takes practice.