These words just flow out of me for fear, doubt or shame. My thoughts race as I try to keep them clear but I can’t stop my mind from questioning and I can’t keep my heart from breaking. These are the thoughts that swirl in my head tonight.
I can’t form the words, through any vocal trying,
I reach out to a world behind the screen,
For they can’t see or judge me,
You are here beside me and if I fall down,
Will you pick me back up again?
Can I count on you for the number in the stars,
That tells of the love that we share,
Despite the past that we both run from,
That at times creeps back up.
If I opened my mouth and the truth came out,
Would you hear me or would you doubt,
Has it been too long to care or not quite long enough,
For a past that’s not your fault or your burden to share.
I need to reach for you and have you hold me,
But fear has held me still and silent,
I can’t tell you all I fear to speak out loud,
For the reality that it would create for me.
This time of year is hard for me, for more than just one reason,
An anniversary they call it, though not a joyous occasion,
A time better left forgotten, though that’s not even possible.
Tears fall silent as my heart breaks to pieces,
I fear the truth and hide behind the silence,
For its the truth of who I am yet can’t find the words to say,
Because I’m made up of certain experiences, not entirely of my choosing.
The night it just grows deeper, with you sleeping without care,
If I tried to tell you that I’m hurting,
What good really would it do?
It’s not about what came before, the things I hide inside,
Our present and our future, isn’t back behind but up ahead,
Let me let you sleep away my pain,
For I’m not sure how to tell you all I fear.
If I started speaking, I worry I’ll never stop,
Just bore you with the fears I have of breaking,
Of never quite being enough.
Tell you about all he took from me,
How my heart has always been broken,
That it never quite healed up,
And even though I appear complete,
It’s just an illusion that I’ve perfected,
Like the games we used to play.
A secret always finds a way, of revealing itself to all,
Even though he died many years ago, my mind still digs him up,
A ghost or demon no one really cares,
You are just here to torment and keep destroying, all I ever hoped would heal.
So come on night and memories,
This battle is between me and the darkness,
For each time I close my eyes he waits,
For one more chance to see me.